David Cross

How to kill your friends.

A list of things I hate.

How can you allow yourself to be bored when you’ve got rare, delicious foods being brought to your lips by effeminate Frenchmen?

How can you allow yourself to be bored when you’ve got rare, delicious foods being brought to your lips by effeminate Frenchmen?

Valentine’s Day is a much too vivid and unwelcome reminder of what losers we are.

Happiness is knowing you are never more than twenty miles away from a Hooters.

He still loves fashion.

You are descended from the most base and perverse of the criminal element in England.

Hero means nothing.

Someone is always worse off. Even if you're shitting in a bucket surrounded by crazy veterans.

What goes better with American flags than a big ol’ helping of the phrase, “God Bless America”?

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! I don't know if you've heard, but the Catholic priesthood just got a whole lot sexier!