'I Went To Her Place And Cried' Men Take Us Through Their Break-Up Timelines

Unfortunately for most of us, a breakup is not a one-and-done thing. Thoughts and emotions change, and so does the relationship we have with our ex and ourselves. These changes can take time. Weeks, months, or even years later you can be still trying to justify things that you never got the answers to, and healing from wounds that can’t be physically seen. 

When a break-up happens there's a stereotype that men feel fine in the early days and then begin to crumble later down the line. And in many ways that is a self-fulfilling prophecy, with our tāne believing that is the only course of action to take. With us not talking about our feelings regarding relationships, all we have to go on is what else is out there. 

Media continues to portray this idea that men are meant to carry these heavy thoughts and feelings with them, and the “literally me” characters in cinema show men resorting to extremes to deal with these issues, or hold on to them, forever plagued by their weight.

As usual, we can trace this back to traditional gender roles, with men being logical, unemotive protectors; there to ensure everyone else can comfort one another. With relationships specifically, there are even less examples, with men not being the perspective used, which can often lead to homophobia creeping in when any semblance of men being emotional arises.

The reality is that a break-up can feel surreal and in the immediate moments following it can be hard to comprehend exactly what is happening. This is impacted greatly by the context of the break-up, and whether it was a surprise, or something that had been looming on the horizon for some time. 

Did it happen over the phone, or even more distanced via text? Was it something that felt inevitable, or were things in your eyes absolutely fine beforehand? Were you alone through this process?

The fallout of a break-up can be tough, from more overt issues such as falling into substance abuse to comfort and distract yourself, to more subtle changes such as severing ties with people you used to be on good terms with. Insecurity can run rampant, and, as a man, you might be left with thoughts that you are unsure how to actually articulate to yourself, let alone anyone else.

John: 

I had all the boys over at mine chilling playing the game when she broke up with me over text. I automatically went into another room to call and sort it out, she didn’t want to talk and just left it at that. I was shocked but it was bound to happen as our relationship was getting messy. I ended up crying myself to sleep and couldn’t handle being around anyone. 

Whetu: 

We were never official, but it was pretty much everything without the label. She left to pursue another man who she had previously had an on-off again relationship with. It hung a little over the day. I did get a nice coffee and was introduced to a new restaurant over the dumping. Perhaps it was due to the nature of the relationship, but there were no overt feelings of sadness or grief right away. I kinda just carried on business as usual.

Isaac: 

I didn’t actually feel anything because it was so sudden and something I wasn’t expecting at all. To be honest, I was even a little bit happy because in some weird way I was looking for a way out of the relationship thinking the grass was greener on the other side. I had been in that relationship for a year through my last year of high school and then going to uni in a new city the following year meant I was meeting new people that I wanted to get to know. Being in the relationship made me feel like I couldn’t do that. The break-up happened late at night, I didn’t feel much and I went to bed peacefully. 

John: 

I went to her place and cried, lol. It was a new feeling being broken hearted, but I needed closure. Obviously, we ended on good terms but the thought of being alone didn’t feel right. 

Isaac: 

The morning after having been broken up with, the first thing I did was call my mum to tell her that my girl and I had broken up. It was over this conversation that it began to dawn on me that maybe I didn’t want to be without this girl. I put on a brave voice to my mum telling her I’d be fine and all she told me was that she’d be there for me and to come home if I needed. As soon as I hung up the phone I began to cry. I laid in my bed all day scrolling through my camera roll, looking at all of the memories I had built with this girl. It reminded me about how when I first got with this girl, she was the one for me, for life. 

John: 

After a week or so, I randomly told my family that I was single cause they kept asking about her. A few days before that the boys found out while we were drinking. My family/friends cut ties with her, and they started to feel resentful because of how I was feeling. Knowing me, I try to keep these feelings to myself which I told everyone I was fine, but really I wasn’t. 

Whetu: 

I'll be honest, I got over it pretty quickly. If it's not official and public I dont think it really counts. Especially if none of my peers knew. They didn't and I think they still don’t. I never felt like it was important to tell them because in the way it didn't exist, I didn’t think it was information that they cared about. I wasn’t looking for advice or sympathy, it was just a fact, and talking to a friend about it would suddenly make it a bigger problem than it was.

Isaac: 

After a week I had already fallen into a depression and was starting to drink heavily at least 3-4 nights out of the week and my diet consisted of rubbish food. During the day I would hide in my room and at night I would go out to either drink or smoking weed. Anything that would help me escape reality temporarily. I stopped going to classes and was sinking further and further into depression. Everyone around me could tell I was sad but it felt like no one cared, but then, why would they? It wasn’t their hearts breaking, right?

John: 

Both of us travelled back to uni together and the closer we got to the destination, the harder it was for me to admit that it was over. There’s me crying again cause that lonely feeling crept in. We had a chat, and both went our separate ways. We kinda kept in touch via Snap/Insta etc but it wasn’t the same as before and each time I’d feel lonelier. 

Whetu:

She tried to recontact me. I didn't realise at the time it was her because I lost my phone contacts. But when I realised, I was still a digital kēhua (ghost). I had very much moved on emotionally at this point, and wouldn’t even say I had suppressed any feelings. The hurt just didn’t exist for me. Perhaps it would have if it were a more “official” relationship.

Isaac:

By this point, drinking and smoking weed was the go-to . Going out to clubs to party was the medicine to my daytime depression. I also picked up smoking cigarettes because when I couldn’t find weed I had something to smoke on and it paired so nicely with beer at night or coffee in the morning. Over this month I began sleeping with a couple girls but one girl in particular I would consistently hook up with a couple nights a week. The sex was rubbish on my part and there was no connection because my head and heart was never in it. I just wanted it to be my ex, there was no one else I wanted to be sleeping with. But still, I continued to try and use things as escapes rather than try and feel emotions and heal. 

John: 

As time went on, I spent most of my time with all my mates and they did well to keep me company. I still felt connected in a way to her and I was always ready to go again if she was keen, but she had moved on with another guy. I eventually moved on, but I wasn’t confident in myself to sleep with anyone or even find another relationship for a while. I was with this girl for just over 2 years, but it was my first real relationship. I’m grateful to have experienced that type of mamae (pain/hurt) and I hope I don’t experience it again. 

Whetu:

She actually reached out again one day when she was in town asking to hook up. I was out of town but I would have said yes. Life’s too short. I still haven’t had a girlfriend since. Been very single for a very long time. I have made offers to others, tried a few times but it's trying to balance fear, while also wanting genuine connection, friendship, a peer and wild sex. The lack of anything serious going forward from the break-up, and lack of success romantically certainly gave me doubts around my own capability of having a relationship. That loneliness was one that I continued to think about, and have since tried to find that level of content within myself that being alone is not a bad thing. But that doesn’t mean I still don’t feel down about it from time to time.

Isaac: 

Six Months down the line I had started to come right but was still left heart broken. I had stopped drinking so much and had started trying to heal. This involved catching up with friends from home, visiting my family every few weekends and getting back into my hobby of music. I was struggling to navigate being single but in time I knew I would adjust and get used to it. 

There is no set timeline or schedule for how you deal with a breakup, and what might take someone 6 months to move past might take another a year or even longer. 

While the timeline’s are never the same for everyone, there will always be a time where you will have to face the reality of a new normal, and have to decide what to do with what you have learned through this grieving process.  

It is important to allow yourself to feel the emotions you might want to shove down. There might also be some things you just never get over, and that is okay too. 

Ryland Hutana is a writer and creator who currently lives in Auckland, Aotearoa.

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