Supported by GEICO.If you’re not on the same page as your significant other about saving money, congratulations! You’re both perfectly normal. “Rarely is anyone on that same page initially when it comes to planning and savings goals,” says Amanda Clayman, a financial therapist. In fact, most couples tend to pick someone for a romantic partner who has a complimentary view of money, as opposed to one that is exactly the same. We need to see that these differences are healthy, “as opposed to differences being a sign that something is wrong,” she says.
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Adam H. Kol, couples financial counselor and host of The Couples Financial Coach podcast, says his clients often misunderstand their fundamental problem. They’ll say, “We have big differences. We came from really different homes." And while that may be true, Kol says, “the real issue is that they don't feel comfortable or safe talking about finances with each other. And maybe not with anybody.”It’s understandable to feel distraught when finances are driving a wedge between you and your partner. However, your situation isn’t hopeless. In fact, you now have the perfect opportunity to get to know each other better. Here is how you can get on the same page with your partner about financial issues when you have drastically different opinions about how much you should be spending and saving. How did you get here? Think about the things you said and did to end up in this conflict. Maybe you’re the one struggling with over spending or you’ve been too scared to initiate the conservation. If you can acknowledge the role you played in the relationship, it’s more likely the other person will be willing to hear the things you have to say, Kol says. Kol recommends this particular phrasing: “When’s a good time to talk?” This is better than “Can we talk about this?,” which is a yes-or-no question, he says. Avoid bringing up a conversation about finances when the other person is stressed. Though it may seem obvious, Kol recommends having this talk in private, when family members or kids aren't around. Make sure the vibe is chill and minimize distractions, he says: “Put the cell phones away and just connect to each other.”As you begin your conversation, Julia Kramer, CPA, a financial therapist, recommends first sharing something you admire about how your partner relates to finances. “If you're the saver, see if you can see the positives in the more light-hearted person when it comes to money,” Kramer said. The goal is to illustrate that neither person’s approach is “a hundred percent right or a hundred percent wrong,” she says, and it also shows no one is the enemy here. You could compliment your partner’s ability to pay bills on time, if that’s something they do. Have they paid down their student loan? Are they good at researching the best deals or balancing a checkbook? Giving credit where it’s due here will go a long way in the end.
Reflect on Your Roles
Pinpoint a Good Time Talk
Be Complimentary
This will send the message that, ultimately, these occasionally difficult talks happen because of your strong love for each other.
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Go Deep
Kramer encourages clients ask each other questions like:
- What is your earliest money memory?
- What is your most joyful money memory?
- What is your most painful memory of money?
- Name three things you learned from your mother/father about money either directly or indirectly.
- Tell me about the richest person you knew growing up and what did you think about them?This conversation isn’t “about arguing or right or wrong, it's just sharing,” Kol says. “And that helps you learn more about each other and it helps you feel a sense of comfort and safety.”
Be Clear
Go Slow
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