This article originally appeared on VICE Belgium.Euphoria. Sex Education. Normal People. Movies and TV shows make it seem like the only acceptable time to explore your sexuality is when youāre a teenager. But for many people, thatās not necessarily the case. Perhaps youāve grown up thinking sex wasnāt really your thing, or in an environment where it was taboo. Perhaps youāve only recently discovered that your sexual orientation doesnāt line up with the experiences youāve had so far. There are a lot of reasons why you might have ended up experimenting with sex later in life, and theyāre all valid.
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According to Belgian sexologist Emilie Daems, comparing your sexual exploration against an imaginary timeline wonāt be helpful to you. āBeing late is not the right way to put it ā Iād rather talk about protecting your boundaries,ā she says. āIf you werenāt ready, there was probably a reason for that. You were already engaging with a part of sexuality: setting boundaries.āThat being said, society still stigmatises people who donāt have typical sexual experiences, so feeling a little clueless is totally normal. Weāve addressed some of the common concerns you might have as a late bloomer and put together some tips to help you out.Sexuality is not just something you do with partners ā itās first and foremost about the relationship you have with your own body. Touching yourself with or without sex toys will help you get used to certain sensations and know which ones you like. āThe more you know about yourself, the better youāll be at communicating your wishes and boundaries,ā Daems says.When you start exploring sex, youāll frequently find yourself in new territory and out of your comfort zone. Thatās when knowing yourself can make all the difference. āYou just canāt underestimate how much less positive experiences can affect your further sexual development,ā Daems adds. āSelf-knowledge and communication skills can save you a lot of trouble.ā
Masturbate to figure out what you like and donāt like
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Do your research
Donāt worry about feeling intimidated
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Sometimes the new things you try will be great; other times less so. But itās like that for everyone ā and there is no other way to figure it out. Leave room for disappointment, and let go of any expectations: Pleasure has nothing to do with perfection.You might feel a bit embarrassed by your lack of experience, but itās always best to be honest with your partners. It doesnāt have to be a heavy conversation ā you can simply talk about the things youāve done and what youād like to do. āBeing vulnerable can also be exciting, and a great catalyst to sexual arousal,ā Daems says. Donāt forget to leave room for humour. āMovies and TV shows donāt show awkward moments: You never see a woman walking to the bathroom with her hands between her legs,ā Daems says, āand vaginal farts and other sounds are nowhere to be found.ā Some situations can be funny if you donāt take them too seriously. Laughing about them together will strengthen connections and make light of failures.You deserve a partner who respects you and values you for who you are. Donāt let anyone make you feel like youāre lagging behind, not good enough or ridiculous. āIf a sexual partner makes fun of you, you know right away that they arenāt right for you,ā Daems says. This works both ways: Donāt judge people based on how many people theyāve slept with. What matters is the connection you have and how much fun you'll have together.
Learn how to communicate
Avoid partners who make you feel awkward
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The more you focus on your lack of experience, the more it will become a thing for you and your partners. At the same time, if this keeps popping up, it might be a sign of a bigger emotional issue. In that case, āitās always a good idea to talk to a psychologist about it,ā Daems says. Observe your partnerās responses. Ask questions before, during and after sex and always think about consent before you try anything. Give directions like, āslower, louder, left, lower, yes, noā. And if you need a break or want to stop, be sure to say it, too. Itās better to talk too much than too little ā plenty of folks are actually turned on by it. āThe more you talk about sex when itās going well, the less weird and intimidating it is to talk about sex at times when itās not going so well,ā Daems says. If youāre shy about verbally expressing your desires, you can communicate with sounds, body language and facial expressions as well.In a way, each new partner is a new exploration, because each individual has a different set of preferences and experiences. Figure out what theyāre into, and ask them how you can give each other more pleasure.Thereās no such thing as too much lube. Many people with a vagina can experience a discrepancy between mental and physical sexual arousal, meaning they can be turned on in their head without being wet. In those cases, ālube can be a lifesaver!ā says Daems. āBut be careful, the opposite scenario is possible too: Always make sure your partner is aroused.ā
Communicate during sex to make sure both parties are having a good time
Remember to use lube
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Water-based lubes play well with toys and condoms, but on the downside, you have to re-apply frequently because they dry out more quickly. Silicon-based lubes are great for sex without toys, but donāt always go well with condoms. The great thing about them is the texture, which is more similar to vaginal lubrication and stays wet for longer. Being sexually active comes with many potential risks, but that shouldnāt stop you from thriving in your sex life. There are many measures you can take: Read up on prevention, protect yourself and your partners, and get tested regularly, even when you donāt have any symptoms. Also, always have both contraception and lube on you. āSex with a condom and too much friction can increase the chances of tearing,ā Daems adds. And nobody wants that.āItās also important to use the right condom size,ā Daems says. āIf a condom is too big, it might fall off. If itās too small, it might rip more easily.ā So if you have a penis, try out a couple of sizes and carry the right one for you. And if you enjoy having sex with people with a penis, maybe carry a couple of options.When it comes to sex, itās easy to get lost in what we think we are supposed to do or look like while doing it. But sex is not what is depicted in the media. It doesnāt have a set structure or a grand finale. Sometimes youāll climax within a minute, other times you wonāt. It can also be incredibly disappointing, and not just during first times.Instead of focusing on how the sex is going, try to feel all the sensations and stay in the moment. This will help erase whatever thoughts might pop up in your head. āSex is, above everything else, a mental experience,ā Daems says. āSo if you keep having thoughts like āIām bad at thisā or āIām not experienced enoughā or āDoes my belly look fat?ā, itāll be hard to be present. Go with the flow and focus on your and your partnerās senses.ā