Long story short: the Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU) should feel more gay. Since 2008, the MCU has vomited out 23 feature-length films (and counting) depicting some of the sexiest actors in Hollywood mincing around in ridiculous-and-sometimes-tight costumes. But somehow, queerness has often been erased entirely from this superhero world.
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With WandaVision on Disney+ becoming the latest addition to the universe, Marvel discourse is once again rife. Finally, it’s time for the gays to put their best superpower to use and gate-crash the party without an invite. Now I’d say there are very few human gays who would willingly subject themselves to 54 hours and 9 minutes of Marvel content, but emerging from my buzzcut, bleached blonde finally-over-that-heartbreak-from-last-summer-and-bored-without-Grindr moment, I’ve realised this year should be about giving back. Hand on heart, I would hate to see my fellow members of the LGBTQ+ community endure some of these films, and as such, I’ve decided to turn my limp wrist to writing the ultimate gay ranking of every film in the MCU, from least to most worth watching. And I’ll add in WandaVision for good measure. Here goes.Rumour has it that die-hard fans don’t really like this film and that made me root hard for her. We stan an excluded underdog. Unfortunately, the best thing about the film is the messy behind-the-scenes drama that allegedly went on between Edward Norton and the director that led to the role being recast as Mark Ruffalo. We love a catfight, and we love an on-set diva moment even more. Is Edward Norton the Gemma Collins of the MCU? Okay, yes, this film does get big boner points for that sequence where Chris Evans transforms from twink to jock. It’s also refreshing that Stanley Tucci goes against all odds and decides not to play gay. That said, this wartime romp is so desperate to deepthroat you with American patriotism, it’s difficult to get on board with a film that loves itself that much. I was ready to love this film when a small boy dressed up like Iron Man almost got killed by a drone. But then he didn’t. The whole thing is anticlimactic, and Mickey Rourke is every creep you’ve ever met at 4AM outside Heaven. Not tonight, babes. This film is like Game of Thrones meets Elf. The gays will flock to catch a glimpse of the Chris Hemsworth bod, but honestly, girls, you’ll be short-changed. Thor is cocky and obsessed with his stupid hammer – and Tom Hiddleston’s ugly black wig was just too distracting to take seriously. Skip. Wouldn’t even recommend this as a hangover watch. Thor as a character is increasingly dull, but the film gets extra points because Queen Natalie Portman plays a prominent role and her colleague Darcy spends the whole movie being mean to her twinky English intern. We don’t judge a film by its bad name in this house, but… “Ant Man and The Wasp”? And how are you going to set a film in San Francisco of all places and not even give us a glimpse of a homo? Mayhem, mayhem, mayhem. Very similar to an episode of Drag Race: Untucked when all your favourite queens pile in on each other for no real reason and you realise they’re not as likeable as they once appeared. Could definitely have been improved by replacing the endless punch up with a “library is open” reading sesh. At least Chris Evans gives us his most impressive bicep flex at the end to reward our patience. Granted, there are some gorgeous shots of Chris Evans in a tight tee chopping up some wood. Elisabeth Olsen’s Tumblr-teen-with-emo-eyeshadow aesthetic is also a source of amusement. But I’m going to go out on a limb and say this is the straightest film in the mix. It’s like the All Bar One of the MCU. There’s a burgeoning romance and a bizarre revelation about an Avengers’ secret pregnant wife and kids who’ve been shovelled away in some picturesque cottage in the middle of nowhere. Heteronormativity galore, hun.
24. THE INCREDIBLE HULK (2008)
23. CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE FIRST AVENGER (2011)
22. IRON MAN 2 (2010)
21. THOR (2011)
20. THOR: THE DARK WORLD (2013)
19. ANT MAN AND THE WASP (2018)
18. CAPTAIN AMERICA: CIVIL WAR (2016)
17. AVENGERS: AGE OF ULTRON (2015)
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16. DOCTOR STRANGE (2016)
15. ANT MAN (2015)
14. AVENGERS: ENDGAME (2019)
13. GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY VOL. 2 (2017)
12. SPIDERMAN: FAR FROM HOME (2019)
11. CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE WINTER SOLDIER (2014)
10. AVENGERS: INFINITY WAR (2018)
9. IRON MAN (2008)
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