Corbyn Feigns Love for Arsenal But His Politics Are Pure Chelsea

Jeremy Corbyn is a hypocrite. He must be because The Sun said so on Wednesday – and they would know. The nation's best-selling newspaper made the claim based on incorrect reports of the Labour leader kneeling to kiss the Queen's hand in order to secure £6 million of tax-payers' money to run said monarch's Official Opposition, without having first held his side of the bargain and, through the medium of song, requested that God look after of the octogenarian figurehead.

The bearded Bolshevik was again accused of double standards for talking up gender equality before installing only gents toilets in the four great shadow offices of state.

Accusations of hypocrisy will tend to dog any politician of apparent principle who suddenly finds themselves having to deal with the realpolitik of running HM Opposition. Yet in their attempts to lob as much William Pitt at Corbyn as possible, it is surprising, nay, amazing that the right-wing press haven't picked up on the most blatant example of doublethink yet from the Jezziah; namely, his support of Arsenal Football Club.

The Labour leader was elected on an overtly anti-austerity platform. Yet the north London club are the very embodiment of austerity economics, of tight-fisted spending and balancing the books whatever pain it may cause the fans. Were Corbyn to practice what he preached, he would support Chelsea.

'What, the Chelsea of John Major and David Mellor?' I hear you ask. 'The Chelsea of John Terry and fans who used to sing "Adolf Hitler, he aint dead, he's the leader of The Shed"?'

Yes, the very same.

Now I realise that in a game of concept association, 'Chelsea' is, for most, as likely to be followed by 'left-wing' as 'Valerie Solanas' is by 'the LAD Bible'.

When faced with accusations of being the Tory party at play, Chelsea fans will point out that for every Major there is a Tony Banks – the Chelsea-obsessed sports minister who was the most left-wing cabinet appointment of the Blair era and a close friend of Corbyn's – and that Mellor was actually a Fulham fan who only came to Stamford Bridge because the catering was better.

This will be followed by praise for Matthew Harding, the self-made millionaire who, as well as providing the millions that transformed Chelsea from a 1980s basket case into a late-90s catwalk of continental flair, also paid £1million to Labour – the party's largest donation from an individual donor at that time. His name, in contrast to that of the avowed Tory Ken Bates, is still sung at Stamford Bridge every other weekend.

Any attempt to portray Arsenal as club of the people falls flat when faced with their extortionate ticket prices – the highest in the land – their penchant for suing fans for breach of copyright that the club doesn't own, or trying to copyright the word 'gooner', which the fans really do own. Meanwhile, their whiter-than-white reputation is rather sullied by the manner in which their crooked former chairman Henry Norris, who was eventually banned from football, fiddled Arsenal's way into the top-flight in 1919, at the expense of Tottenham Hotspur (there is more than a geographical element to that rivalry)

In short, attempting to place any English club on the political spectrum is a pretty futile task. Except when it come to attitudes to spending. For while Arsenal represent all that is austere, Chelsea are the embodiment of Corbynomics.

A little over a decade ago both clubs found themselves in a financial predicament. Arsenal were going through a purple patch in terms of accumulating trophies and breaking records. In the late '90s they enjoyed flexing their muscle in the transfer market, but then faced a problem: they would have to make a large one-off payment to address the issue of their ground having a woeful capacity for a club of their stature and ambition. How could the club pay for a new ground while continuing to invest in players to ensure the side kept on bringing home the silverware?

Chelsea faced a rather starker problem. Like Leeds, they had overspent in trying to break into the cabal of England's chosen Premeir few and gain access to the largess of the Champions League. By 2003 they had racked up massive debts and, like Greece (the country) faced having to sell off their assets (players in this case) until a large one-off payment was found in the pockets of Roman Abromovich. They still needed to find a way into the big beano at the top of the Premier League.

The club took a leaf out of the big book of Keynes and decided that, rather than endure years of piecemeal progress and endless battles for fourth spot in the league, they would run a deficit, splashing out on players to generate success on the pitch, which would in turn generate income in the form of increased prize, television and sponsorship money – not to mention global sales of 'Drogba 11' shirts. And lo, in 2012, the club lifted the European Cup and at the same time finally made a noticeable profit, a surplus, that could go towards paying off their debt, if Abramovich can actually remember how much he's spent.

While Chelsea had opted to spend and subsequently enjoy a rollercoaster of silverware and sackings, across London the aristocrats of the Arsenal board had decided that balancing the books was paramount and that not a penny more was to be spent than made. The team would have to pay for itself. If the fans wanted success, they would have to pay for it through higher ticket prices. And even then success wouldn't come.

Today the two clubs find themselves in broadly similar positions, winning two trophies apiece (three for Arsenal if you include the Charity Plate) in the last three season and with Chelsea no longer spending more than they earn. They find themselves at opposite ends of the table but, knowing Arsenal, will probably end up with a similar points tally come May.

But in getting to this position, Chelsea fans were treated to endless trophy parades, trips to Wembley and the joy of becoming the first club in London the win the Champions League. Arsenal fans, on the other hand, had to put up with nine years of the #SinceArsenalLastWonATrophy hashtag.

And herein lies the superiority of investment over austerity and the reason why Mr Corbyn should, in football terms at least, wrap himself in blue tomorrow afternoon.

@patriquelebleu