Circus People See Some Crazy Shit

Illustrations by Jordana Globerman

By the very nature of their profession, circus performers sign up for a lifetime of crazy shit. In addition to their bizarre, death-defying, and sometimes cruel performances on stage—many spend their lifetime on the road, and have to expect the unexpected on a daily basis. Having worked at the circus one summer, I still think of my co-workers as some of the most interesting people I’ve ever met.

Circus folks come from a broad spectrum of artists who can provide sensational entertainment, ranging from chainsaw football players to highly trained acrobats. The circus is a place where the strange, the dangerous, the enchanting, and the depressing are celebrated—or at least tolerated. The people behind this ancient industry are not afraid to live their entire lives in the realm of the strange and the risky; rather they embrace it. Fascinated by it all, I called around to some circuses to discover some of the craziest shit their people have seen. Here's what they told me, in their own words.

Dude…Where’s my Dick?
We have this performer who, among other things, lifts and pulls stuff with his dick. We decided this would be great to use in our circus photo-shoot. The rest of us got into a shopping cart and he had the cart attached to his dick by a chain, to pull us. He leaned back, but the shopping cart didn't move like it was supposed to. I looked down at the end of the chain, and his dick was lying on the floor. Thank god we managed to get that thing in the cooler. In his surgery, they took skin off of his butt and grafted it to his shaft; they did not add any length or girth. He says that now when he scratches his ass, he gets an erection. Unfortunately it is what it is—it looks like a dog’s chew toy.

Chainsaw Football
We play this game called chainsaw football for one of our shows. It's just like football, but instead of a ball we use a chainsaw. The blades are on—we touch stuff with them to demonstrate before we play the game. We started off a game like we always do, throwing the saw around and tackling each other. Then one guy missed a pass and the chainsaw landed on his foot. The crowd went silent for a second, but he gave two thumbs up and the crowd cheered again. We continued the game and he limped off with a trail of blood behind him. Turns out he lost his baby toe.

Officer, I Can Explain
I was driving from one show to another overnight in my truck and I hadn’t slept in a few days. I had finished off at least six energy drinks, and was eating takeout food. My eyes were bloodshot with bags under them and I just stared at the road with this crazed look in my eyes. Next thing I know an officer pulled me over because of a broken taillight. I tried to pull myself together but the whole situation looked pretty bad.

“Have you been doing drugs sir?”

“No, I work in the circus, I’m driving to my next show”

“What’s in the bag?”

In the circus all of our profits are paid in cash, which go into a duffel bag I carry around. At that moment the bag had about $30,000 in cash. After he looked in the bag he told me to step outside of the vehicle. He looked in the back and saw a bunch of animal fur covering the floor and walls from the lion that was just in there. He came back to the front and eyed down my duffel bag. I gave him a wad of cash and he left without a word.

Mexican Transvestite Wrestling
I run my own circus and I was smoking pot one day when I thought to myself: “Mexican transvestite wrestling! Now that would be cool.” First of all they wear dildos, and the rules of the contest are simple: the first wrestler who can force the strap-on into the other one's mouth for a count of three wins. Slapping is allowed, but fisting, kicking and biting are illegal. We were doing a show in Lubbock, Texas, which is a buckle on the Bible Belt. The wrestlers were all contortionists and the audience didn't know it, so when they started ripping each other's arms and legs back, it looked very violent. Someone called the cops and they came on stage midway through the act to break up the dildo fight. They said we were simulating a sex act, and I got arrested for it.

The Great Elephant Escape
I was driving a truck full of three elephants to a show when I missed my exit. The next turnoff wasn’t for an hour and a half, and the show was starting, so I tried pulling a U-turn to go the other way. Midway through the turn, the truck tipped over and the elephant crate cracked open on the highway. Two of them squeezed out through the side and started running around in the nearby cornfield. I called their names and ran after them but they didn’t really respond to me and just kept going. The guy who owned the farm called the police and two lady cops showed up and were like, ‘sir, you need to control your elephants and get them back in your truck,’ but none of us could really do anything. I called the tamer, and when he showed up he was furious. He had to walk the two elephants down the side of the highway to the show while I drove with the third one.

Trying to Outsmart a Hypnotist
I had a guy one time in the live show who absolutely would not participate in any way, shape, or form during my hypnotist act. He wouldn't look me in the eyes and he wouldn't follow any of my instructions when I tried to put him under hypnosis. I was under a lot of pressure because there were a couple of thousand people in the audience. The crowd couldn't hear, so I whispered into his ear and off the microphone: “Just play along and I'll give you a hundred dollars.” As soon as I said it, he rolled around the floor like a pig in mud and completely humiliated himself. At the end I said: "Stand up. Before I count to three to bring you out of hypnosis I want to leave you with a powerful thought: for the rest of your life you will believe, and you'll tell your friends, that I owe you money. One, two, three, you are out of hypnosis! Ladies and gentlemen give him a big hand!" He walked back into the crowd saying, “he said he'd give me $100!" Nobody believed him.

The Vagician
Sometimes we get groupies. We were in Holland once, and we had this girl come up to us before the show and she said: "I am the Candle Lady. I stick a candle in my vagina, flip my legs back over my head, light the candle, take a sip of gasoline, and blow a huge fire ball between my legs." And we thought, "Ok, cool." We didn't have anything else to do at the time. So she took off her clothes, lay on her back, stuck the candle in her vagina, flipped her legs back, took a sip of gas, and blew a huge fire ball. This created much more heat than a candle is used to. So it melted the candle, and the wax ran down and created a pool in her anus. Then she pulled the candle out, and we all applauded. When she stood up and bowed, I heard this ping on the floor. It was the clump of wax that had been in her butt, and it was an exact replica of her sphincter. I could have made a key.

Hooks Gone Wrong
One of the acts I do is called “hook suspension,” which is to say I would have a piercer shove hooks through the skin in my back or chest, then hang me from the ceiling. This one particular show—"The Infernal Circus"—was sort of a dark comedy show, in which my ringmaster character woke up in hell and had to put on a show for the amusement of Satan. The grand finale was supposed to be that these sexy demon chicks hung me from the ceiling, and then Satan made me sing a song for him. It would have been really funny.

The thing is, the guy who was doing the piercing and hook stuff for that show turned out to have recently descended into a pretty dire junkie period; and somehow he fucked up and got the wrong kind of hooks. So when he hauled me up, I started to thrash around, and both hooks bent and straightened out, dropping me to the floor. I managed to land on my feet, in a deep rush of endorphins and adrenaline from the pain and the fear and such. But I realized that I had to sing this song, ‘Pennies From Heaven’, so I just went ahead and did it. The sexy devil girls were pulling me off the stage bleeding all over the place, singing ‘Pennies From Heaven.’

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