Here’s Everything You Should Do Instead of Going to EDC Las Vegas

Photograph courtesy of Rukes.com

Thinking about buying a ticket to the world's largest juicer rave? EDC Las Vegas may be sold out already, but if you put in minimal effort you can still find a ticket. The question is: should you? Let's start by breaking down what your trip would cost. (In the interest of fairness, we'll take the lowest approximate costs.)

Flights:

Okay, so first of all you need to get to the damn thing. Assuming you have the sense not to fly from another continent for this thing, you'll be coming from somewhere in North America. Google Flights is an amazing tool for finding the cheapest flights in any city and you should definitely use it if you don't already. The cheapest flights I found for you in each city were:

Vancouver - $496
Los Angeles - $180
Chicago - $426
NYC - $769
Toronto - $599
Montreal - $652
Denver - $269
Seattle - $373
Mexico City - $433
Detroit - $461
Pittsburgh - $490

Giving you an average of $468 including taxes and fees. Living in Vancouver, most North American flights are in the $500 plus price range, so that really isn't so bad. Moving on…

Hotel:

Now that you've arrived in Las Vegas and cabbed (more on that later) to your hotel, you have to throw down and pay for your room. Let's assume that you're a dirtbag (you DID just blow $500 to fly to a rave) and you're okay with a three-star, cum-stained hotel. That's going to set you back $173 per night according to Hotels.com. For four nights, you're looking at $692.

Ticket:

Your flight and hotel will be for nothing if you can't actually get to EDC Las Vegas, so you'll have to go to eBay to buy a three-day wristband in advance. The cheapest Buy It Now wristbands that I found were $600 and yes, they're adjustable to fit any juice monkey or raver chick's inflated ham hock or emaciated wrist.

Food:

Between all the dancing, molly, and orgies (fingers crossed!) you'll need to eat at some point. Granted, I'd spend a lot more than this, but $40 per day on food is plenty for brunch, In-N-Out, and Cheetos. That's a grand total of $160.

Booze:

Las Vegas is a desert and it's bound to make you thirsty. I low-balled this one, but $100 will buy you some of whatever you fancy.

Drugs:

You didn't come all the way here to braid each other's hair—you came here to get high as balls and wander the speedway like an extra from Dawn Of The Dead. No ifs, and, or buts—you're going to need drugs. This was a bit trickier as I've never been to Las Vegas, but after consulting several veterans I was assured that $50 to $75 a day per person would be sufficient. Let's call it $250 in total, assuming you're with friends and you want to get fucked up.

Transport:

The trickiest (and potentially costliest) part of your stay will be transport. I've heard rumors of $160 one way cab rides from the strip to the speedway, and there's no way you're wasting molly money so that an immigrant can feed his family. You cab to and from the airport and buy a shuttle pass; lines are the best places to pick up bitches anyway. You'll be spending at least $100 on transport for the trip

Miscellaneous:

You're bound to either buy a fridge magnet, t-shirt, or lap dance at some point in your trip so you give yourself $100 miscellaneous spending money for the weekend.

Total:

That brings you to a grand total for 2470 fucking dollars to go to a rave. A rave! Being both a man of reason and the world, I can think of at least 20 better things that you could spend your money on. For the first time ever, I'd like to introduce you to THUMP's In-definitive Guide To What To Spend $2500 On™:

Amenities

1. Rent for three months - $2400
2. Food for six months - $2466 (via CBC)
3. 494 days of $5 drinks from Starbucks - $2470
4. 534 Big Macs - $2467.08 (via The Economist)

Cars:

1. This Mercedes SL500 convertible - $2300
2. This Kawasaki Ninja - $2000
3. A limo - $2000 
4. Finance a Ford Focus ST for 11.9 months - $2471

Clothes and Accessories:

1. An Alexander Wang jacket that will definitely get you laid - $2035
2. Five to eight pairs of Red Octobers, depending on your size - $2400 (via eBay)
3. This Rolex - $2309.99
4. Fourty-eight pairs of camo print Crocs - $2400

Electronics:

1. A 15-inch Macbook Pro with Retina Display - $2294
2. A 65-inch Samsung HDTV - $2299.99 (via Best Buy)
3. An XBOX One ($500), a Playstation 4 ($450), three games for the XBOX ($210), three games for the Playstation ($210), an extra controller for each ($120), a year of Shaw internet ($960) - $2450 (via Best Buy + Shaw Canada)
4. These McIntosh LS340s - $1850

Drugs:

1. Six ounces of MDMA (Vancouver street price) - $2400
2. Forty-five grams of cocaine (13 8-balls) - $2400
3. Twelve ounces of weed - $2400
4. Eight thousand 100 microgram blots of LSD - $2400

Pleasure:

1. Five days at a 5-star all inclusive for you and a (girl)friend in the Mayan Riviera - $2276 (via Expedia.ca)
2. Eight mid-rate prostitutes
3. An Egyptian Mau (indisputably the best cat) - $1500 (via Yahoo)
4. 1.89oz of gold (via goldprice.org)
5. An M16 - $1295.99 (via American Spirit Arms)

Ziad Ramley hates raves and loves Instagram. Keep up with him here or on Twitter.