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Young Kiwis Tell Us What it's Like To Come Out in New Zealand

"I feel as though I was aggressively cut off from feeling as though my sexual experience might be normal."
Beatrice Hazlehurst
Image by Torbak Hopper via.

Image by Torbak Hopper via.

New Zealand has always presented itself as proudly progressive. We were the first country to give women the vote, which is very cool. Prostitution is legal too, so there's that.

We've also long maintained the perception that we're very "down" with the LGBTQ community. We got civil unions in 2005 and later, marriage equality (2013). We also have an annual Pride Festival and GayTMs.

So does that then mean New Zealand is a gay utopia? We asked some young people what it's really like to come out here. Is it really all sunshine and rainbow flags?

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Chris, 21
Came out six years ago

VICE: Hey Chris. Talk to me a little bit about what it was like to come out in New Zealand.
Chris: Well I met my first boyfriend on Bebo when I was about 13. People at school started to find out, because I basically told someone I was bi. I mean I grew up in Wellington, that's a pretty metropolitan city. My school was co-ed, there were no uniforms. It really promoted "freedom," but I still got shit. I know the kids that went to the all-boys schools and they wouldn't even dream of coming out.

What kind of shit?
I remember people started shouting at me that I was a faggot. There was one time I was walking down to the dairy after school and these guys held me off the ground by my collar and were shouting all this abuse at me. I hadn't told my parents so I couldn't even go to them.

Why hadn't you told them?

I basically wasn't talking to them about any of it because my first boyfriend's dad was abusive to him when he came out. He was from out of town and would come down to see me in Wellington. I was so nervous to tell my parents that I'd let him sleep in his car. I thought I was going to let them down, but when I eventually did tell them my dad started crying and said "he didn't give a shit what I was." That was cute. How did all that shape your perception of New Zealand's acceptance of diversity? If you were in a different environment would it be different?
I think New Zealand has a real farmer, rural mentality. Really traditional views. Masculinity is so strong in New Zealand it's not even funny. New Zealand's image is pretty much just rugby. I'll meet people all the time and I'll tell them I'm into guys and they'll be like, "Oh you don't even seem gay?" Like, what's your idea of gay, a giant fucking fairy? It's hard to deal with because there are so many people that don't fit into that stereotype that's been drawn up by people who don't know any gay people.

Matt*, 23

Still not "out" to friends VICE: Hi Matt. Tell me about your experience with coming out.
Matt: Well I didn't know I was like this until around 17, which is pretty late. Then I got into a full-on relationship with a guy I met when I was 18 which lasted about a year. Our relationship was a secret because we both weren't out. He got bullied relentlessly and left his school. Ironically his main bully turned out to be gay. When it ended I told my parents—which is unusual I guess, to tell your parents first. They were very accepting, but no one straight really knows still. There was one guy at my high school who was gay and got bullied, especially for how he acted—people target effeminate men. That's what's unusual and that's what makes people uncomfortable. I've never had to struggle with that, so I've been really lucky. You feel lucky that you fit that heteronormative mould?
Yeah, but that's made it harder as well for me, but people don't assume at first. People don't bring it up because they don't want to offend me, even though it shouldn't be offensive. Has there been situations where you have been asked up front and you've lied?
Yeah, it's kind of a fight or flight reaction. You answer instinctually. I was so caught off guard and so I would choose to run. So yeah I have. The knee-jerk reaction is to say "no." Telling someone to just rip the bandaid off is like telling a depressed person to smile. It's more complicated than that. So it wasn't a concern about the judgment of your straight friends or siblings? Well my friends and brothers are pretty "lad," and have made some homophobic comments in the past. We came from this area where everyone had a very nuclear family lifestyle, and people around us made a lot of racist and homophobic calls without even thinking about it. My brother says "fag" quite often. Even in high school everyone used that terminology "that's so gay" and "he's such a fag." Do you think that environment affected you remaining in the closet?
Fuck, that's hard to know. Maybe if I didn't grow up so rurally. You can't just announce it to people like if a straight person stood up and was like "I'm straight" people would be like: "Ok sit the fuck down weirdo." So why is it different for coming out? I think New Zealanders have a way they expect gay people to be and that's not me. Everything about me is quite stereotypically "straight" and that's not an act, it's who I am. I feel like people would expect me to let go of that.

David, 21

Came out two years ago VICE: Hey David. New Zealand is often praised for being very progressive when it comes to acceptance of the LGBTQ community. What are your thoughts on that?
David: How I grew up, male to male attraction was just not known of. It was completely ignored. I was getting off to gay porn but still telling people and myself that I was straight. It was full on sexual oppression. How were you oppressed?
I went to a really macho, masculinity-driven "rugby" school. Looking back it's funny because there's pretty blatant homoerotic overtones, but then if someone were to say the word "homophobic" in assembly that would be outrageous. It wouldn't happen. We were told in sex-ed that anal penetration was medically wrong, it was an entirely unnatural process for the body to undergo. It was so oppressive but I was totally unaware of it. I spoke to someone earlier who considered himself fortunate that he was so "masculine" because he flew under the radar.
That's just an amplification of the problem. Then again I feel like that's a good point because I feel like homosexuality isn't a problem. The problem is feeling like you can't ever embrace femininity. Do you think if you'd grown up in another context, would you have felt more comfortable coming out earlier?
Yes and no. I think it would be unfair to say that, because even when I went to university I didn't come out straight away. Then again, I never moved schools, I never tried to make a change because where would be different? Are you in any way grateful that you could come out here, instead of say rural America or even parts of Australia?
I guess. New Zealand is pretty progressive in general. Coming out in somewhere like Australia would be a lot different, living here now I can see the gay community is lot a more polarised than it is in New Zealand. People get over it quicker here. But I still feel as though I was aggressively cut off from feeling as though my sexual experience might be normal.

Ellen, 21

Came out 18 months ago VICE: Hey Ellen, after leaving New Zealand, do you feel more comfortable being open with your sexuality?
Ellen: Absolutely, I remember walking through the gates at Auckland airport and feeling like I could do whatever I wanted. When I started getting with a girl in New Zealand, people started gossiping about it. Everyone. People I went to high school with knew. People that I didn't tell knew. I became obsessed with wanting to know what they thought about it, which was so unhealthy. I often thought, "Thank god I'm leaving because then I'll be old news." Like hoping that someone else would come out as gay so they would talk about them, not me. Did that gossip have any impact on you or the relationship you were trying to foster?
My girlfriend was a friend of mine, so we kept our relationship quiet for months. We've often spoken of if we were a guy and girl, we could say we were seeing each other but we just didn't feel like we could. We didn't want to be the topic of someone's sleepover conversation. It's funny, everyone I've spoken to has said something along a similar vein. They're all kind of bitter about having to "come out" at all.
I think Kiwis think they're a whole lot more liberal than they are. I got a lot of "Oh I didn't expect this, you don't look gay!" Here in the UK, everyone only asks, "Oh, are you seeing anyone?" There's never the assumption like there is in New Zealand. No one who is heterosexual has to say anything. There was one girl that I knew of at high school that came out, I went to an all-girls high school. Even if I had to do things over, I would never have done that. The things people would say about her, it was so horrible. I don't know if that would've been different in any other country but in that school, in Auckland, it would've been terrifying. Is that just a case of no matter how 2016 we are, New Zealanders can't escape our own small-town mentality?
Exactly. The more people there are the more anonymous you feel, but the less people that are around you the more people know you and apply more pressure. In the first couple of months being here, it just felt different. I feel like a new me. A new, totally-accepted, out-there version of me. Be yourself, follow Beatrice on Twitter.

Tagged:high schoolgaypridecoming outNEW ZEALANDParentsAucklandUniversityWellingtonAustralia/NZstraightmarriage equalityVice Blograinbow flag
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