What Prison Taught Me About Love and Sex

Within days of being placed in the British male prison system in the 90s, I realised they were havens for debauchery and buggery. With many prisoners sharing cells, or at the very least forced to share personal space with complete strangers, it didn’t take long before I gave over to the advances of the first man who showed me any kind of affection. Maybe I should have felt ashamed of my soon-to-be promiscuous lifestyle, but I just didn't care. I had a deep-seated need, as a trans woman, to validate my identity as a female. Only when a man had sex with me, did I feel whole. I wanted to be needed. I wanted to be loved. And mainly, I just wanted to feel alive.

While the drug addicts schemed away on their prison landings, trying to find their regular escape, the gym junkies would strut around like peacocks, totally unaware that no one was either impressed or intimidated by their size (plus: muscles are not knife proof). Others could be found on "protection wings", which is where I was forced to live because transphobic attacks are common within male prisons and prison officers can never guarantee the safety of any prisoner. On those wings with me were prisoners with drug debts, sex offenders who were despised by most other prisoners, and openly gay prisoners. Whenever I or my trans-sisters were offered the opportunity to come out of our protection cells, men would come on to us, trying to catch our attention. We would be offered drugs, the use of mobile phones or a shoulder to cry on when the oestrogen we were taking and the resulting emotional instability sometimes overwhelmed us.

Regardless of a person’s offence, sex still ranks pretty high on Mazlow's Hierarchy of Needs. It’s just a matter of whether this is achieved by way of masturbation, consensual sex with another prisoner, or coercive means. As prisons are technically public buildings, any sexual activity between prisoners is illegal, although charges of public indecency are rarely enforced. On many occasions during my many years in prison, both male and female prison officers have found both I and a partner (or multiple partners), engaging in furious sexual activity. Unlike in the outside world, where shame prevents some people from expressing their desires, within the confines of our cells, we had few restraints. Whether getting spit-roasted, or fellating multiple men, the only limits were our imaginations. There were plenty of times men would pay me copious amounts of drugs to tie them up and humiliate them. I would do their bidding as long as we agreed to a safe word.

Then there were the showers – frequently a hotbed of sexual passion. The joke about the soap on a rope to avoid being touched up by other men? I never saw it in prison. An offer to scrub another inmates back was rarely rejected, especially amongst prisoners serving sentences of ten years or more. Of course, we were not living in a Mills and Boon world, where romance often preceded sexual indulgence.

After all, we were serving life sentences and didn't really give a shit what anyone thought, especially prison officers. I rarely met any man who told me that he was gay before he came to prison. It would appear that many were "gay for the stay", a term that was unheard of in British jails until the late 1980s. Even today within the British prison system, homosexual liaisons are often frowned upon by prison staff. Prisoners would often approach me to collect condoms from the prison hospital because they were either too embarrassed to ask for them, or too afraid that prison officers would openly mock them.

Despite this, sexual relationships between staff and prisoners are not uncommon. When any two people are forced into close proximity, boundaries are crossed. Unfortunately, when these relationships come to light, as they often do, the prisoner will be often accused of grooming and manipulating the member of staff for nefarious means. The officer would usually be "invited" to hand in their keys and leave the job, while the prisoners would often find themselves transferred to another prison where they may be segregated in the prisons punishment block.

Prison-guards aside, sadly many gay relationships that I was aware of in prisons were abusive. They appeared to mirror the prison officer/prisoner relationship where prison officers hold all the power and prisoners are expected to be submissive and compliant. You should've seen the prison officers then struggling to find ways to manage the safety of warring partners.

That said, I frequently met couples in monogamous relationships who were clearly in love and adored each other. I'm a sucker for a love story. I have heard and seen many unfold over the years. I can never forget two life sentenced prisoners that I was quite fond of whilst residing in a North Yorkshire maximum security prison called Full Sutton. They were absolutely besotted with each other.

These two lovebirds would follow each other around, afraid that their eye would wander. The two would often be heard arguing with each other on the prison landing, with accusations ricocheting off the walls. Their love affair would continue for over 20 years. Right up until he died of lung cancer, his lover would often take care of his needs, collecting his food, washing his slowly rotting body and giving him comfort in a place where often, none could be found.

Although in my heart, I craved intimacy, I often had to be satisfied with a quick fumble by the bins on the prison exercise yard. Reflecting back, maybe I should be ashamed of the lifestyle I led, but I can't be. I survived in a world of general despair and bitterness where many did not. I actually ended up becoming the UK's longest serving trans prisoner.

Sometimes I think about my trans-sisters, who often expressed to me that their ultimate aim was to fall in love and eventually lead a peaceful life in a meaningful relationship where their hearts and bodies were not exploited by others. I was with them in that.

Since my release, I've turned my back on indulging in the often dangerous sexual practices that I engaged in for years. The intimacy that I have always wanted, I've not found. But in time, I hope that I will meet either a man, woman, or non-binary person who will capture my heart. Without love, a free life to me, after all this time, has almost no meaning whatsoever.

@LiferSarah