Why is Isolation so Appealing After a Break-Up?

Years into a pandemic, isolation has a new and more practical meaning — but we’ve never been strangers to it, even before it was all on government orders.  

Isolation conjures an image of an un-showered teen, holed up playing Elder Scrolls, chugging Mountain Dew by the litre and ignoring desperate pleas to turn down the music from irritated whānau. 

But when we spend too long rotting away in a bean bag on the floor of our mum's garage, it might be good to ask what damage it’s doing to us in the long term. Especially when the reason we’re hiding away in the first place is that we’ve recently ended a romantic relationship — a time that’s likely to already be turbulent, lonely and frustrating. 

It’s not uncommon for us to shut up, shut off and shut down when we’ve been hit with the ol’ broken heart. Your hobbies aren’t fun anymore, your friends are pissing you off, the sun isn’t warm, the 2 minute noodles have lost their definitely-real-chicken taste… Nothing is quite like it was before. But there’s something strangely appealing about the numbness it provides at a time otherwise imbued with feeling.

VICE spoke with Laressa Lynch, a Pōneke based counsellor, to get to the root of why many of us fall back on it when shit hits the proverbial fan.

VICE: What would you expect to be the normal ways that someone would handle a break-up?

Laressa Lynch: So, the realm of “normal” is pretty broad, in that there’s lots of different variables that affect the way someone handles a break-up. 

But some common ways are to rebound to dating, casual sex or a new relationship. Others may retreat. Breaks-ups are generally stressful and can be overwhelming whether they are unwanted or a welcome relief. 

This lends itself to coping in ways that could further increase stress. If the relationship featured unhealthy and unsafe behaviours, this may be detrimental to one’s self esteem. This can cause low mood, depression and anxiety and ongoing stress. If a person has some kind of addiction, like relying too heavily on alcohol or drugs, pornography, gambling, sex, social media, disordered eating… These behaviours can increase in order to buffer the distress. 

And then of course some people will react by retreating into themselves and shutting off from others. 

Why is it that we can close off from people after a break-up?

I think because break-ups are really confronting. They're painful and often devastating, which can elicit shame for people and trigger a sense of failure. Relationships take work, and if they end, that can feel like we're sort of standing in a destruction zone, trying to piece together what went wrong and how to retrieve ourselves in the aftermath.

So people might feel embarrassed to share with other people, like their friends or family, if there are unhealthy behaviours in the relationship that they were using themselves or experiencing with their partner. Having some space from others can be appealing in order to avoid being asked the details of what went wrong.

So, it's often motivated by not wanting other people to see the full story, in a way?

Yeah, absolutely. And also, I think that it's confronting because it can feel like “could we have done more?” In some relationships that can seem like a never ending thing, where you just keep going back and trying to make it work. 

Do you think there are ways that isolation can be healthy after a break-up?

Well, going off my definition of isolation, which is, somebody really withdrawing from their communities, like friendships and families, I would say no. I don't think it's healthy.

I think it's essential to connect and have regular contact with people that we know, especially after a break-up — particularly if there’s been some unhealthy behaviour in the relationship, because you may have already been feeling isolated during it. To have the opportunity to debrief, vent, unpack and process with close family and friends is really helpful. 

It's important to have people around us who can remind us of our core values. 

So how can you avoid falling into isolation?

It's important to recognise that we're actually wired to connect to other people. Our social connections are just as important as eating and sleeping, and our wellbeing is intricately connected to the quality of our relationships. 

It's important that we check in on our friends when they're experiencing a break-up. Even if they seem like they're doing okay. In Aotearoa we’re particularly good at hiding and minimising our emotions, so we need the strength to trust that our friends and family will understand. At this point a counsellor or therapist would also be helpful to support the person.

Have a really good think about who might be especially empathetic, or a good listener, or has been through a similar experience — be it a break-up or another kind of grief. Mostly what people need is to be heard without judgement. A lot of emotions happen and people need to be able to experience them and move through them without having judgement or other people's opinions layered on top of that. 

And then what would you say are the healthy ways that we can handle those feelings?

It's important to expect to feel these kinds of emotions. They’re a normal and healthy response to a break-up. 

The reality is that we live in a culture that often pathologizes these kinds of emotions. So, we may believe that there's something wrong with us, when really we're experiencing a very normal and common grief process. And we’ll do anything we can to avoid feeling our emotions, especially if we're predisposed to that behaviour. But our feelings want our attention and to be validated and acknowledged. 

To actually, like, let our emotions in, and be present with them, increases our distress tolerance, so we're able to move through things even more comfortably in the long term.

It’s an investment: actually paying attention to our emotions.

And practically, how do we get there? 

Everybody has different needs around processing their emotions, and there’s an absolute tendency in our culture to repress, so it’s really important that we create a culture where people are able to reach out for help. And it's not just about talking. Processing emotions is very much about being present in other ways. 

So it's important to make some time every day, maybe like 15 minutes or so to give yourself permission to fully feel your emotions. It's about being able to create some kind of environment, whether it's mountain biking, trekking in the bush or going out fishing, or whatever it is, but giving yourself conscious awareness and space — And getting out and doing stuff with other people, making sure that you still keep connecting. 

Yeah, absolutely. Hey, thank you so much for your time on this. 

No worries! 

Own the Feels is brought to you by #LoveBetter, a campaign funded by the Ministry for Social Development.

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Rachel Barker is a writer / producer at VICE NZ in Aotearoa.