Girl Eats Food - Stained Glass Jelly

They say you eat with your eyes. But I’m pretty sure that’s bullshit, because I’ve spent all my life depositing everything from caviar to urinal cake into the greedy canyon six inches lower. However, I must admit there are times when handsome food is a must. Handsome food, but also, easy to eat food. Not much gets Girl Eats Food down, but the massive dental surgery I just got has kind of taken the joy out of most meals. Most meals, but not this one. Because when a hunk of juicy steak isn’t an option and you want food that’s easy on the eye that you can eat like a pelican without choking—this is the one. Stained Glass Jelly Seriously, when was the last time you had some jelly that wasn’t laden with vodka and eaten while you were fist-pumping to “Club Tropicana” at a shitty house party? I bet you totally forgot crushed up bovine skin, bones and intestines were traditionally the basis for the most adorable of children’s desserts, and not just a miserable way to enjoy booze. Ingredients 2 x packs of jelly
1 x can of condensed milk
Half a pint of water
1 x sachet of gelatine
Lots x sweeties Step 1.

Make the jelly. You know how to make jelly right? Jesus wept.

Step 2.

Leave to set, hopefully minus the London tap water chlorinated pond scum on top.

Step 3.

Meanwhile melt a sachet of gelatine in hot water. DO NOT BOIL IT, DICKHEAD. If it overheats it ends up turning into that weird, toxic glue five-year-olds used to huff that got banned from schools.

Step 4.

Pour the melted gelatine into your condensed milk and gently whisk in. Gently, mind. Stir with all the ferocity of a cat on a nice warm cushion.

Step 5.

I’m sorry, I love the stuff.

Step 6.

Once your jellied milk is a weird, unnatural colour, leave to cool to room temperature.

Step 7.

You can use a proper mold if you think you’re fancy like that, but I just cut my jelly into chunks and put them in a dirty oven dish.

Step 8.

Fill the gaps with candy of your choosing, or onion rings, or Vicodin, or whatever. Go haute cuisine all over that bitch.

Obviously, #addacatforaddedinternetpoints.

Step 9.

Drown your work of culinary art in the now-cooled milk.

Step 10.

This is the lame bit. Leave it to set overnight. :(

Step 11.

It's ugly as sin now. Which is why you need to chop it up, mate. No one wants to eat the contents of Shane McGowan's sink in the mornings.

If you haven’t fucked up what is essentially a pre-cooked recipe, you’ll wake up to a slab of gelatinous heaven that can be enjoyed by all the family. From toddlers to dental surgery outpatients, like me!

Bone-appetit!

JOANNA FUERTES-KNIGHT

@fuertesknight

Previously: Girl Eats Food - Cheesy Golden Money Bags