The Best Gifts for Scorpio, Other Than Revenge

Hide your kids, hide your wife: It’s Scorpio season (October 23-November 21), which means it’s time to celebrate the fire sign of water signs. Scorpio is the child of the Zodiac that has probably licked blood off a knife at some point, or dreamed of owning a very loyal pet crow. They play their hand strong and close to their chest. So go the clichés, at least, and as with most clichés, those about Scorpio exist for a reason; consider the fact that some of the most iconic Scorpios have been Bram Stoker, Björk, Travis Barker, and Tonya Harding. These fall babes are intense, moody motherfuckers who have been pigeonholed as the intense, dark, and mysterious astrology sign, because they usually are. 

But Scorpio is so much more than their latex closet and fernet-filled bellies. They love deeply and intentionally (they are a water sign, after all). They’re not passionate by way of Leo’s gregarious energy, nor will they go cliff diving for giggles like Aries, but when they believe in something, they bring that Sk8 or Die energy. They carry far more sensitivity, and a rather sobering sense of judgement than they’re often given credit for, and if they ever appear secretive it’s just because they’re taking some time to sus you out. Can you blame them? 

Scorpio is also ruled by Mars, the planet of war, and Pluto, the planet of extremes, which means a) they probably wouldn’t be opposed to having an electric spanking paddle in their sex toy pantry, and b) if you do rub them the wrong way, you’re on their shit list. They can be your worst enemy or best friend in a single day, and we’re kind of into it, which is why the best gifts for scorpios speak to their need for intensity, privacy, and looking like a leather-clad dime piece...

ICYMI, Abercrombie is hot again in a gabagool-cool, Tony Soprano kind of way. We’re talking about *chef’s kiss* fall pieces such as this faux leather normcore/dadcore duster. We can already smell the sandalwood cologne and cigarettes lingering in the pockets. Please buy this for your Scorpio crush, or at least buy it for yourself so you can become someone else’s proto-Scorpio crush. 

It’s not easy to gain a Scorpio’s trust, but tapping into their sensuous nature with a lowkey sophisticated scent is a clever way to go. This room spray is a blend of amber, moss, teakwood, tobacco, patchouli, and other woodsy scents that will make them realize just how much you ~get~ them, and because it’s a room spray, rather than a cologne or perfume, it will feel like a more nonchalant present. Don’t let ‘em see you sweat, sweet Cancers. 

… In a safe disguised as a book. Duh. This is where Scorpio keeps the first tier record of their Shit List (the master doc is in their brain).

There’s nothing like a cryptic keychain for saying, “My shit is together, and out of this world.” Of course Real Bad Man makes one about a clandestine alien shroom drug deal, which your Scorpio will undoubtedly use to open up beers like champ with one hand. Don’t ask us how; the answer is in the stars.  

Classic nipple clamps are rad, but they’re the kind of gift you give because it’s a Tuesday, or you’re horny and bored. Which is cool. But a collar-nipple-clamp combo? Now that’s a gift to give your Scorpio for a special occasion.

Why not? Scorpio is very all-in-or-bust, and once they’ve cemented your friendship they’ll be very down to stay in and cozy up for a night of moderate risk-taking via this classy ass Japanese Yatzy set that makes us feel richer, smarter, and (somehow) like we didn’t fail algebra. 

Have y’all gotten into pegging yet? Consult this well-lubed pegging guide for a breakdown of the best strap-ons, dildos, and accessories for getting into the pegging groove. There are so many different strokes for different folks, obviously, but a leather harness and dildo combo sure would make a nice gift for your Scorpio. 

A Scorpio’s coffee table should be laden with art books that speak to their mercurial souls, such as this MoMA restrospective on (fellow Scropio) Björk’s career, or a massive Taschen book on Hieronymous Bosch, who we are proclaiming an honorary Scorpio for obvious, devlish reasons.

You know what? It’s hard being this hot all the time. Sometimes (a lot of the time), Scorpio just wants to unwind at home with a swish robe and a vintage, aesthetically horny magazine or review. We’re partial to Architectural Digest, Stroke, and OUI magazine, but go for whatever tickles their fancy. 

If you’re really trying to sweep them off of their stinger, this silky loungewear set from the New York City brand Montserrat feels like sliding into two sticks of Kerrygold butter.

Good night and good luck. See you during straight-shootin’ Sagittarius season.   

The Rec Room staff independently selected all of the stuff featured in this story. Want more reviews, recommendations, and red-hot deals? Sign up for our newsletter.