People Are Going on “Break-up Vacations” With Their Exes

It was the summer of 2021 and despite realising the spectacularly bad timing, she just couldn’t hold in the feeling that something in her relationship was “off”. Naturally, she assumed this would destroy her holiday plans (which doubled as a work trip for them both), but her ex asked if they could go together anyway, in the hope she might change her mind. “It was a bit weird at first because we didn't know how to act – were we supposed to kiss? Have sex? We did and it was honestly the best,” says Sebbag. “Throughout the vacation, we had more and more deep convos about the past five years, our doubts, and what we wanted out of a relationship.”

Instead of changing her mind, the vacation actually cemented Sebbag’s decision to break-up. She looks back on that unplanned “break-up vacation” fondly too, and is adamant it made parting ways easier in the long run. “Instead of leaving each other after one big-ass chat, we took the time to break up properly over the week in a nice setting that wasn’t too personal. We shared great meals and enjoyed each other's best company before taking different roads,” she says. “As time goes by I realise how healing this longer break-up was, I think it’s a great way to end a long-term healthy relationship.” 

Sebbag and her ex aren’t the only couple bidding farewell to their relationship with a holiday. While still somewhat unconventional (let’s face it, we all know an ex-couple who should definitely not try this at home), on TikTok couples are going viral for sharing their experiences of break-up weekend getaways and even the quicker and more cost-effective pre-planned “last date”. "Me and my boyfriend are breaking up in two weeks. We went on a beautiful break-up weekend getaway,” writes one creator, holding her partner’s hands in bed, in a now-viral video. “It was heartbreaking and healing all at once."

While “break-up getaway” content online is undeniably dramatic – and often seems like both parties are just rubbing salt in their wounds for views – Lexx Brown-James, a sex therapist based in Pennsylvania, says it’s common for couples who’re trying to do “conscious uncoupling”, AKA a relatively amicable separation. “From my observation, these people are leaving a situation with mutual agreement and purpose, rather than from animosity, resentment, and abuse,” says Brown-James. “I love that this is a new movement and folks are deciding to end things with fond memories and clear decisions.”

Brown-James suggests that mutual break-up activities, like vacations or parties, may help to reframe our ideas around break-ups when done thoughtfully. “One of my favourite examples of a breakup activity was a couple who had a divorce party,” she says. “They were able to have their friends all there in support, and note that they wanted to be able to support one another as parents and humans, but that it was clear their partnership didn't work anymore and they could be happier with others.” 

When planning the break up activities, though, it’s important to ensure both parties are on the same page. “They’re a great idea when it's clear that a lovership won't work and everyone is feeling safe,” says Brown-James. “It's not the best idea when one person is using it as a last ditch effort to hang on or convince someone they can still last, or when it's coercive.” Despite being a big supporter, Brown-James is sceptical that break-up vacations will be a regular thing for most folks – many people struggle to take time off from work for fun, never mind to grieve a relationship with the person you’re trying to get over. 

For Grace Green, a 23-year-old living in Sheffield, her break-up vacation happened with someone she wasn’t even in an “official relationship” with – though she notes it took the emotional energy of one. “He's my best friend's older brother and after six months nurturing secret feelings for each other, we finally got together just before he went to Australia for ten months,” says Green. “A few weeks after he got back, I had a week-long work trip to London and a nice hotel room that my company was paying for.” Since his work was based down there too, he joined Green in London and they had their first honest conversation about their feelings.

“We were both on the same page and agreed to let go,” says Green. “We didn't have sex, but we slept in the same bed, ate takeaway food, drank spicy margaritas, and had long conversations about everything from work to creativity, and each other's needs. We realised that we both needed something different to what the other could give. We laughed a lot. It felt like we were old friends, which I suppose we were.” Green says that the setting being in a neutral place was part of “how easy it was” because it gave them space and time together. She’d, be weary of embarking on another break-up getaway, though. “It was a very particular situation that worked, like a spa retreat,” she says. “In the past, I’ve definitely felt the urge to have a vacation to revive a relationship, which doesn't work. Holidays are weird as fuck anyway, with all the pressure to be happy.”

Rachel Wright, a psychotherapist based in New York, says that while “break-up vacations” may have taken over our TikTok algorithm in recent months, therapists have been talking about “conscious closure” for a long time. “If the relationship is ending on poor terms or if there are unhealthy or destructive dynamics at play, taking more time alone together will not be great,” says Wright. “If there’s abuse, definitely do not do something like this.” Wright encourages those planning a break-up vacation to ask themselves the following questions: How will it be paid for? What are your goals? Is physical intimacy on the table? What do you want to do while you’re away? What is the why for going?

Despite the serene atmosphere shown on viral TikTok videos – where couples look longingly into each other's eyes with acceptance, holding hands while sad music plays in the background – going on a final vacation isn’t a one-size-fits-all method. It’s likely to be far more emotionally difficult than the content makes it seem. “I think some people can get caught up in the wooing and forget that there will be mourning and loss of the access and relationship with a person,” says Brown-James. “There’s an end to this fondness and just because the break-up is mutual and peaceful, doesn't mean it will be any easier in letting go.” 

The conversation around break-up vacations opens up a larger dialogue around fostering a healthy, mutual, and respectful ending to a long-term relationship – the ever-illusive “closure” that breakups leave us reaching out for. If you’re a married couple, this can look like a divorce party with shared friends to show them that everything will be okay. “Break-ups are typically viewed as always being a sad or negative thing but, while most of the time there is an element of sadness, it’s not usually just that,” says Wright. “Break-ups are complex and it’s important to honour all of the different parts.” 

For those with shitty cheating partners, however, the classic “block them on all social accounts and cry to your friends method” is also tried and tested. Because, let’s face it, not every break-up is mutual and not every ex has proven themselves worth buying a plane ticket to say farewell to.

@lauraepitcher