This article originally appeared on VICE Belgium.As kids, we want to emulate our parents. In fact, that’s pretty much the main developmental strategy for humans and many animals. Until we reach puberty, our families are generally the only world we know. Through them, we build our personal and social identity, and internalise systems of norms and values. But not everyone has the luxury of growing up in a safe environment. Mental health crises, intergenerational trauma, poverty, marginalisation, government inaction – many factors negatively impact how we develop as kids and how we raise our own, too.
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This was the case for Sandrine, 55. As a young mother she had to shoplift to get by, between the ages of 25 and 30. At a young age, her daughter Léa – now 30 – copied her behaviour, but she stole things just because she wanted them. Both Sandrine and Léa’s names have been changed to avoid potential harassment and legal repercussions.Initially, Sandrine was taken aback by Léa’s theft: She scolded her and tried to teach her a lesson. But eventually, she realised she could involve her daughter in her own shoplifting, which she needed to do to be able to clothe and feed Léa and her newborn sister.Today, both women are social workers. Ever since she settled down with her now husband, Léa stopped stealing – but her mum still does it. Both say they regularly encounter people who shoplift for survival, too – a constant reminder of everyday brutality. They got in touch with VICE via Instagram after reading a different story about shoplifting on our account.VICE: Why did you start shoplifting?
Sandrine: It was necessary in difficult times in our lives. I found it unfair that other people could live decently, when I wasn’t able to buy the bare necessities for my kids. I tried to appease my conscience by stealing from bigger stores. In my head it was like, “They’re insured, they’ll recover their losses easily.” But eventually, it became almost a game.
Sandrine: It was necessary in difficult times in our lives. I found it unfair that other people could live decently, when I wasn’t able to buy the bare necessities for my kids. I tried to appease my conscience by stealing from bigger stores. In my head it was like, “They’re insured, they’ll recover their losses easily.” But eventually, it became almost a game.
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Do you remember the first thing you ever shoplifted?
Léa: When I was really little, I stole a makeup bag I liked from a store, and my mum yelled at me. She scared me and made me return it to security. She threatened to call the police in front of them – that really traumatised me.But that wasn’t your last time.
Léa: It took time for my mum to realise I understood stealing was a bad thing, that it wasn’t a game. Then when my sister was born – when I was 9 – we needed to steal again, so my mum ended up getting me involved, too.What do you mean?
Léa: There were several techniques we tested out on the spot. I remember one of the first times – it was in a clothing store and we needed trousers. I went to the fitting room to try on three pairs of pants. My mum wrapped them around her arm, then put on her big coat to hide everything. Sometimes, I’d also put on clothes under my own clothes in the fitting rooms. We even hid clothes under the baby in her stroller without anyone noticing. Sandrine: It worked every time. We didn’t have to do anything elaborate – we’d just head out normally through the door, and that was it.Léa: It’s sad to say, but we didn’t fit the “profile” of a thief as far as security guards were concerned – we were just a mum, a little girl, and a baby in a stroller. I think of other people who’re in a position where they have to steal but don’t look like us, and don’t get so lucky.
Léa: When I was really little, I stole a makeup bag I liked from a store, and my mum yelled at me. She scared me and made me return it to security. She threatened to call the police in front of them – that really traumatised me.But that wasn’t your last time.
Léa: It took time for my mum to realise I understood stealing was a bad thing, that it wasn’t a game. Then when my sister was born – when I was 9 – we needed to steal again, so my mum ended up getting me involved, too.What do you mean?
Léa: There were several techniques we tested out on the spot. I remember one of the first times – it was in a clothing store and we needed trousers. I went to the fitting room to try on three pairs of pants. My mum wrapped them around her arm, then put on her big coat to hide everything. Sometimes, I’d also put on clothes under my own clothes in the fitting rooms. We even hid clothes under the baby in her stroller without anyone noticing. Sandrine: It worked every time. We didn’t have to do anything elaborate – we’d just head out normally through the door, and that was it.Léa: It’s sad to say, but we didn’t fit the “profile” of a thief as far as security guards were concerned – we were just a mum, a little girl, and a baby in a stroller. I think of other people who’re in a position where they have to steal but don’t look like us, and don’t get so lucky.
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So it never went wrong for you?
Léa: I did get caught a few times and it was pretty bad. The security guards would play good cop, bad cop, then my mum would come get me and play the part of the furious mother who can’t believe her daughter has stolen.Sandrine: What’s funny is, the guards expect that attitude from parents. It was always the same routine: At first I’d play it cool, and then the guards actually pushed me to yell at her. They’d say things like “Are you proud of your daughter right now?” or “You should be stricter with her.” So I let them lecture me, then I’d get fake-angry at my daughter, yell at her things like, “Just wait till we get home!” or “Wait till I tell your dad!” It worked well – ultimately, the guards would almost feel sorry for her.Have you kept it all a secret?
Léa: It’s not the sort of thing you can go around telling people. Also, although I don’t steal anymore, my mum still does.Sandrine: In my circle, most people don’t dare talk about it. I have friends who work in supermarkets who tell me what people steal has really changed. In the old days, it was mostly makeup, shaving products, little trinkets people can’t always afford. Whereas nowadays, it’s almost always necessities. That makes me sad, it reminds me of the times I was in need the most.
Léa: I did get caught a few times and it was pretty bad. The security guards would play good cop, bad cop, then my mum would come get me and play the part of the furious mother who can’t believe her daughter has stolen.Sandrine: What’s funny is, the guards expect that attitude from parents. It was always the same routine: At first I’d play it cool, and then the guards actually pushed me to yell at her. They’d say things like “Are you proud of your daughter right now?” or “You should be stricter with her.” So I let them lecture me, then I’d get fake-angry at my daughter, yell at her things like, “Just wait till we get home!” or “Wait till I tell your dad!” It worked well – ultimately, the guards would almost feel sorry for her.Have you kept it all a secret?
Léa: It’s not the sort of thing you can go around telling people. Also, although I don’t steal anymore, my mum still does.Sandrine: In my circle, most people don’t dare talk about it. I have friends who work in supermarkets who tell me what people steal has really changed. In the old days, it was mostly makeup, shaving products, little trinkets people can’t always afford. Whereas nowadays, it’s almost always necessities. That makes me sad, it reminds me of the times I was in need the most.
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Léa, when you were little, did you have the feeling you were doing something wrong?
Léa: It’s difficult to recall what was going on in my head, exactly. But I felt controlled by my mum, who was constantly hovering over me. I don’t know if it added pressure or actually legitimised what we were doing. Either way, I didn’t really think about it – I just did what I had to do. It was always in the heat of the moment, too – no time to think. Then afterwards, you have that adrenaline comedown. I knew we weren't doing something good, I knew I couldn’t talk about it at school, or with my dad or other people. I knew there was something secret about it, something only my mum and I could know about. But I didn’t regret it – I saw my mum was struggling. Later, in my teens, stealing became a useful skill because there were lots of things I wanted.How did you justify your behaviour?
Sandrine: Sometimes on my break at work, I’d hear women talking about their vacations, whether they wanted to extend them, debating between Greece and Thailand. Hearing that kind of thing, when you’re struggling to feed and clothe your children, feels violent. Growing up like that is violent. You ask yourself, ‘What’s worse? The act of stealing, or the fact you have to steal to get by?’
Léa: It’s difficult to recall what was going on in my head, exactly. But I felt controlled by my mum, who was constantly hovering over me. I don’t know if it added pressure or actually legitimised what we were doing. Either way, I didn’t really think about it – I just did what I had to do. It was always in the heat of the moment, too – no time to think. Then afterwards, you have that adrenaline comedown. I knew we weren't doing something good, I knew I couldn’t talk about it at school, or with my dad or other people. I knew there was something secret about it, something only my mum and I could know about. But I didn’t regret it – I saw my mum was struggling. Later, in my teens, stealing became a useful skill because there were lots of things I wanted.How did you justify your behaviour?
Sandrine: Sometimes on my break at work, I’d hear women talking about their vacations, whether they wanted to extend them, debating between Greece and Thailand. Hearing that kind of thing, when you’re struggling to feed and clothe your children, feels violent. Growing up like that is violent. You ask yourself, ‘What’s worse? The act of stealing, or the fact you have to steal to get by?’
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Léa: It felt like reclaiming what we deserved. It really pissed me off to go to school and see bougie kids showing off – I couldn’t accept I had to be content with less. For us, stealing felt like an act of “class transgression”.Sandrine: I have no regrets, because we didn’t have another option. I had a very difficult childhood – I didn’t have anything, even food. I was cold at night. I didn’t want my kids to live like that. It wasn’t selfish, either – I did it all for my family.It sounds difficult.
Sandrine: My neighbour is an addict: He smokes crack, steals from his family and friends, and often gets caught. That’s another reality. When I go to the market and see a homeless alcoholic or someone stealing alcohol, I almost feel like covering for them, waiting at the exit to talk to them there. Stealing comes from a need, and you can’t judge the need. People don’t steal for pleasure – unless you have kleptomania, and in that case it’s a mental health issue.Léa, how do you feel about growing up with all this?
Léa: I have two kids now, and they’re not allowed to know what I did. I don’t need to steal anymore, I don’t want to raise them that way. On the other hand, I teach them about understanding all these behaviours that society disapproves of. I think it’s important to understand that life isn’t black and white. Life isn’t easy, and often, we do what we have to do out of necessity.Sandrine: Society doesn’t meet people’s needs, it tosses people aside – and it’s getting worse. I’m in social work now, I can see families are worse off since COVID-19. If I found out these people stole every day to meet their needs, I’d understand. I’d even advocate on their behalf. But society has got to play its role too. It’s the government’s job to act – not citizens’. If I’d gotten any help as a single mum with two kids, things would’ve been better. I haven’t received anything from her father, and society just doesn’t give a damn. If that’s how it’s going to be, I think it’s fair to take justice into your own hands. In a failing society, you do your own redistribution – you rebalance things as best you can.
Sandrine: My neighbour is an addict: He smokes crack, steals from his family and friends, and often gets caught. That’s another reality. When I go to the market and see a homeless alcoholic or someone stealing alcohol, I almost feel like covering for them, waiting at the exit to talk to them there. Stealing comes from a need, and you can’t judge the need. People don’t steal for pleasure – unless you have kleptomania, and in that case it’s a mental health issue.Léa, how do you feel about growing up with all this?
Léa: I have two kids now, and they’re not allowed to know what I did. I don’t need to steal anymore, I don’t want to raise them that way. On the other hand, I teach them about understanding all these behaviours that society disapproves of. I think it’s important to understand that life isn’t black and white. Life isn’t easy, and often, we do what we have to do out of necessity.Sandrine: Society doesn’t meet people’s needs, it tosses people aside – and it’s getting worse. I’m in social work now, I can see families are worse off since COVID-19. If I found out these people stole every day to meet their needs, I’d understand. I’d even advocate on their behalf. But society has got to play its role too. It’s the government’s job to act – not citizens’. If I’d gotten any help as a single mum with two kids, things would’ve been better. I haven’t received anything from her father, and society just doesn’t give a damn. If that’s how it’s going to be, I think it’s fair to take justice into your own hands. In a failing society, you do your own redistribution – you rebalance things as best you can.