Football Fan Jumps Naked Into Marseille Harbour, Becomes The True Champion of Englishness

Warning: this article contains an uncensored video of a true Englishman throwing himself into the sea with his bollocks out. Please do not proceed if you are not interested in seeing his bollocks.

Englishness. Cooked breakfasts, builders' tea and going down the pub. Englishness. Sun burn, flip flops and ill-fitting polo shirts. Englishness. Triangle-cut sandwiches, chicken dippers and street parties for the Queen's birthday. Englishness. Ale, pasties and the insatiable desire to wear crusader outfits to major sporting events.

Englishness. Tinnies, superkings and banter. Englishness. Snogs, fingering and Don't Tell the Bride. Englishness. Baked beans, uni life and mild cultural intolerance. Englishness. Wetherspoons, Brexit and suspecting your neighbour of not having the requisite planning permission for his loft extension.

Englishness. Barbecues, lager and food poisoning. Englishness. Roundabouts, patriotism and knowing someone's a weirdo when they tell you that they vote Lib Dem. Englishness. Fruit machines, William Hill and a crushing apathy towards our fellow man. Englishness. Two World Wars. One World Cup. Prince Phillip. Winston Churchill. Bungle from Rainbow. Shakespeare. A contempt for people who've actually read Shakespeare. The Daily Mail. Claire from Steps. Staycations. Dads at pop concerts. Chicken Cottage. Glassing people. Monty Python. The class system. Jeremy Clarkson punching someone for the sake of a sirloin steak, and the majority of people lauding him for it.

Englishness, glorious Englishness. To be English is all of these things, and yet so much more. Englishness is a philosophy, an identity and a way of life. Many have tried to capture its essence over the years, but only a select few have succeeded.

This man is one of the select few. Indeed, this man has reminded us of what it really means to represent this great nation, mainly by getting stark bollock naked and throwing himself into Marseille harbour.

Hasn't Marseille seen enough ugly scenes over the last few days? pic.twitter.com/LD0c1tOa0f
— Football Away Days (@FBAwayDays) June 13, 2016

We are not saying that we condone this man's actions. The sight of a nude football fan throwing himself into the sea is exactly the sort of thing which makes us so unpopular as a nation, and exactly the sort of thing which will exasperate local people. Nonetheless, for better or for worse, nobody can deny that it is quintessentially, fundamentally English. In the chaotic violence of the last few days, in an atmosphere of fear and loathing, this man is refusing to bow to the power of human hate and has, instead, decided to do a naked roly poly in the street before hurling himself arse-first into the marina.

You may detest such behaviour, or you may revel in it. Either way, this man is a true Englishman, and we won't hear anyone say otherwise.