In 2020, the fuckboy really requires very little introduction. Once a lone philanderer sharing shirtless tiger selfies on Tinder or, if particularly malicious, Bumble, the "fuckboy" has now multiplied to include a whole array of knobheads – from DJs to ketty boys, horny quarantiners and Jordan Peterson apologists. In short: every (typically straight) man who is in someway problematic. So, I present to you, dear male-attracted female reader, 26 iconic fuckboys you have inevitably slept with, or who you are destined to be quietly spanked by one day. Hinge is a cruel mistress!
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A: App Entrepreneur
B: Boohoo Men
C: City Boy
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Honourable mentions: cheating, come over, cocaine, chlamydia, “cuddle”, casual, chad, Chimp ParadoxHe’s silent, he’s brooding, he’s 100-percent going to fuck up your life. It’s difficult to determine what is so hypnotic about DJs, but one theory posits that it’s because when they’re mixing they don’t say anything or look at you, thus making them even more elusive and unattainable. A DJ will not mope about pretending to be a tortured musician, or even attempt to have a “personality”. He just helps you get fucked up at parties: an honourable pursuit. The issue is, all his money is spent on equipment, and his lack of socialisation (he’s been indoors pressing buttons since he was 17) means he would much rather be mixing alone in his room than hanging out with you in the daylight. The four months you spend sleeping with this guy will make you critically Vitamin D deficient.Honourable mentions: dickpic, dirty sheets, Dalston, DMs, distant, Don’t kill yourself your [sic] so sexy ahaYou lowered your standards for this man because you thought he was funny. Also he went down on you for a really long time! But unlike other “funny man” Chris O’Dowd in Bridesmaids, he didn’t bring you baking ingredients in the morning. In fact, you did not even stay overnight. He came (quickly), then said he sleeps better alone but he’d pay for half your Uber back. When you asked if he’d be up for hanging out again, he looked uncomfortable and said he wasn’t looking for anything serious, but he has a stand-up gig in a couple of weeks he’d love you to come to.Honourable mentions: emptiness, e-boys, emos
D: DJ
E: Entertainer
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F: Floor Mattress
G: Graphic Designer
H: Hot Guy
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I: Influencer
J: Jordan Peterson Apologist
K: Ketamine
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Honourable mentions: Kant, Kyles (all)Two scenarios with this one. One: you shagged once then a few weeks later received a WhatsApp out of the blue saying: “Got some weird lumps on my balls so maybe worth getting checked out?” Two: you were going out for exactly five months before he asked you to check a rash on his balls because he was afraid of going to the STI clinic. Either way, you will always remember him as “lumpy”.Honourable mentions: lads (the)When has this ever turned out well?Honourable mentions: making out, making up, making yourself cumHonestly, these guys are quite sound. I’m not talking about guys who think liking Hampstead Heath makes them wildly alternative, or “just want to get a cabin in the woods and write poetry”, but guys who are genuinely green-fingered and just want to be in nature. Sadly he’ll never want to shag you as much as he wants to shag a tree. He wants to open a vegetable farm co-operative. Without you.Honourable mentions: not looking to date right now, NeggingTruthfully, there’s a little "orgasm" in every fuckboy, but when you reflect on your back catalogue of lovers, there’s probably one in particular who, quite possibly in spite of no other tangible qualities, made you cum a lot. The man who makes you think: orgasm. You’ve likely forgotten everything else about him, because realistically this had no longevity (we must all compromise something for love and women often select sexual enjoyment :) ) but it was fun whilst it lasted!Honourable mention: options open
L: Lumpy Balls
M: Musician
N: Nature Boi
O: Orgasm
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P: PUA
Q: ‘Quarantine and Chill?’
R: Recruiter
S: Socialist
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T: Tantric Master
U: Underwhelming
V: Vegan
W: Weed
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