Erin Jane Nelson, Key.swallower, 2016 (detail). Pigment on organza, linen, Spanish moss, cellophane, gypsophila, earthenware, pearls, sea shells, aluminum. 60 x 48 inches. Courtesy of the artist and Hester, New York
If art is about sex—and it is—an art fair is an orgy. Of course, the most fertile ground is wherever New Art Dealers Alliance (NADA) touches down, bringing with it cycle after cycle of up-and-coming gallery talent. Held for the second year at Basketball City, this year's NADA New York was no cold fish; from Naama Tsabar's felt-and-guitar-string touch instruments, to Chloe Wise's pierced papaya sculpture, every sensation soft and hard had its own emissary. I even caught a bit of the art world basketball tournament outside, maybe the lowest-scoring series in history, but art girls love dudes in basketball shorts, and women rule the art world, and that's hot, so things were stewin'.In this vein, The Creators Project mapped out the anatomy of the 17 sexiest artworks at NADA. 17 because, obviously.Moms who lean back and let their kids figure it out have been erotica mainstays since at least Clytemnestra, the foursome in the back of this painting notwithstanding (too obvious). Also, this painting is 13 feet wide. If someone invites you back to their home and has art this big, you're a nihilist for not sticking around for a second drink.Ceramic, glaze, rubber: The "phone, keys, wallet," of a better bachelorette function.Between Lacy's "Eyes up here" gaze and the text down below, there's so much visual tension packed into this photo, I'm having chest pains writing about it.By commissioning miniature works by Elizabeth Ferry, Jamien Juliano-Villani, Last Renissance, Annie Pearlman, Cosmo DeBrie, and Matthew Palladino and situating them inside a single, standing desk-sized booth, the elusive Water McBeer managed to assemble every crushing fetish at once.When we're finally able to upload our consciousnesses and explore the web with avatars, every pair of hot dog legs on Instagram will be the Desert of the Real.Don't ask.Everyone has a thing for Spandex, not everyone's man enough to admit it. They're sleek, made for soaking in sweat, and they bunch up in all the right places, you're just being weird about it—and that's hot, too. Kspxbai.Say what you will about the fact that there were a couple nudes with birds at NADA, and I chose this one—getting naked with a box of Crayons is everything that one scene in Titanic wasn't.DO: "A grown-ass man should be able to change a tire, drive stick, do CPR, set a bone, gut a fish, build a wall, throw a punch, shoot a gun, shotgun a beer, build a fire, run a barbecue, change a diaper, recite three lines from Animal House, light a fart, and give a massage."I added that last part, but a grown-ass man should.The mediums used to make this read like Martha Stewart's Guide to Better Tentacle Porn. It's a good thing.According to historical record, crucifixes actually looked a lot more like uppercase letter "T," which is atrocious if you've ever watched a dog polish off a T-bone. Sacrilege = sexy.I dream this every night.Q: What's sexier than a concrete bedpan? A: A concrete bedpan in a steel diaper.Jennifer Chan's dudebod bedspread lets you sleep on belly of the beef.The rubber boot that holds this piece together literally puts the "ass" in assemblage.The artist Ben Thorp Brown 3D-printed an oyster shell in order to simulate what buying the aquatic delicacies might be like in a future where water resources have all but depleted. If natural aphrodesiacs and intimations of scarcity aren't your bag, honestly what are you doing at an art fair?Granted, the only sexy thing about David and Charles is impending death, but this fanfic-worthy ceramic makes my Koch hard.What turned you on at NADA New York? Tweet us everything: @CreatorsProject.Related:Sculpture Gets Steamy at Frieze New YorkHot, We Walked in on Paint Tubes Having SexOur 11 Favorite Works from the Dallas Art Fair
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1. Dale Lewis at Edel Assanti
2. Lisa Tiemann at fiebach, minninger
3. Suzanne Lacy at Alden Projects
4. Water McBeer's booth
5. Yael Kanarek at bitforms
6. Davida Nemeroff at COOPER COLE
7. Matthew Chambers at FEUER/MESLER MESLER/FEUER
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8. Daniel Boccato at FORMATOCOMODO
9. Alexander Nolan at Galerie François Ceysson
10. Erin Jane Nelson at Hester
11. Pawel and Kosma Althamer at Institute of Contemporary Arts (London, UK)
12. Alphachanneling at Jack Hanley Gallery
13. Jamie Sneider at NEOCHROME
14. Jennifer Chan at ltd lost angeles
15. David Armstrong Six at Parisian Laundry
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